Lost, White, Latina
How many other Latinx out in the world feel lost but are able to find a small sample of their home communities, similar stories of struggle and similar events where people were just bigoted. As a white person, I have heard many of these and many times I have cried for these people. These are my people, yet at the same time not. The color and feature spectrum of Latin America is beautiful, tall, dark, short, white, indigenous, curly, straight, thin, voluptuous; we’re all kinds of looks and for that present I love her. Unfortunately it is due to a dark past of slavery, forced breeding and rape.
Friends and family members in Florida all have similar stories, they left in their adult years, they knew what to expect to a degree. They understood hardships and that they would have to work and struggle before getting their life in place. As a child when I left for Canada with my mother, I was already used to neglect and violence but it was the frustration of not knowing the language and what I would eventually realize was racism, confused and frustrated me the most. Most of my pain has been kept quiet because I never wanted to inconvenience anyone or sound like I was complaining, I was in Canada after all. A wonderful peaceful country, don’t worry I know better now, but as a child I was terrified that I would be sent back to the violence that was Venezuela, violence in tropical heat and Spanish.
I know most people will probably think that I am complaining about having such opportunity, some people may say that maybe I should have taken better advantage of it and done better for myself, except for the fact that the opportunity was constantly threatened to be taken away if I misbehaved, if I stepped out of line it would be stripped and gone, so i never attached myself to the idea of doing better because I could loose it if my mom perceived a toe out of line.
Later in years I’d ask my friends about their missed opportunities in our home country, quite a few I know are engineers, some are doctors, even teachers, accountants and famous national musicians. They all said the same thing, they grew up, got jobs, got tired of the government and saved enough to get out. Then they would say I was lucky and that I should be more grateful but little did they know my own trauma. Everyone always thinks that everyone else has got it better. I am glad I got out, but I am saddened that Venezuela was held above me like a guillotine knife, a threat, so I never learned my place there, I was constantly told how it’s a shithole country and how I shouldn’t waste my time with it, I was Canadian now. But I never learned my place in Canada either and now I don’t know my place in North Carolina.
I am an assimilated, white, Latinx and I have no idea where I belong. Not much clue about my culture, some things about my family are coming to light, but I was raised my MTV en Espanol and Fox en Espanol, then MuchMusic and Cartoon Network in Canada. I was told I was always lucky enough to be “friends” with the white kids but their adults made it very clear at times that I needed to learn my place. I needed to remember that I was not one of them. One foot here and one foot nowhere.
Seeing communities come together to share their stories fills my heart with joy, if someone can feel at home, truly with one person, with one town, with one community that is one less lonely person, I will continue to search for my place, although the alternative may seem like the answer. I have no place and I am not here to belong, I am here to appreciate and show the kindness I was not given. My only motto in life has always been to leave a place better than when I found it. Maybe we’re not all meant to belong, but maybe we’re all meant to be better for ourselves and others.
Thanks for reading, let me know what your thoughts are!
My name is Maria G. Martinez, I am a Paella Catering Chef, working on a Real Estate License because random skills are good for your future. If you would like to read more please hit that clap button and subscribe, I would LOVE to hear from you!
Twitter: @CoffeeForMaria
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Catering: www.thewoodspaellas.com
